Shandong Province
At the end of July, a customer called me on the
phone and said, "It's time to tune my piano." Then I came to remember I had
promised her to go to her home for piano tuning at Shandong Province in summer. She was a
familiar customer named Liu Yue with an amiable character. I had known her
several years ago. I had been most interested in her mother for her resemblance to my
grandma in her looks. I had been having a special feeling toward old ladies since the
passing of my Grandma. Most people did not like to tune pianos for old ladies because they
thought old ladies were troublesome and rather particular. But I was not afraid of tuning
work for old ladies. Instead I had been willing in taking tunings for old ladies refused
by other tuners. I like Liu Yue and called her as elder sister. I had more liking to her
mother. Although it would be my first trip to Shandong, I trusted Liu Yue and agreed to go
there. Lili had met Liu Yue before. So he said,"She was a good person. You can go
there."
Liu Yue took me with her and left for Shandong on
July 26. We arrived at her home that evening and saw her mother. Her mother had been in
Beijing and had just returned a few days ago. Since I had not been accustomed to long
distance travels, I was a little afraid at first. But once I had seen Liu's mother I
started to feel at home. Since I thought of my Grandma who looked so much alike to Liu's
mother. Liu's piano in Shandong was tuned every year. But I found it sounded queer. I made
tuning on it four times before it got correctly tuned. Liu had another piano in Beijing,
which had been under my tuning and never had sounded like the one at her home in Shandong.
So that was why Liu had complaints on the piano. Liu started to tell people about my
tuning skill. But pianos were fewer at that place in Shandong. She took me to Long Island
and there we met the director of the Education Bureau. The director said there seemed to
be no pianos in Long Island but electronic organs on which I might try my tuning. I told
him that musical instrument did not require any conventional tuning. Then Liu Yue took me
on a tour of other places around. We went to White Sand Beach where I saw the Yellow Sea.
There I was once again in the great sea stretched to the horizon. I liked the sea. How
wonderful it could have been if Lili was there with me.
A Performance
At the end of November, Beijing Disabled People's
Performing Art Troupe informed me that China Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe would
invite some members of our folk music band to participate in their performance.
After a thorough consideration about the invitation I  decided
to leave my high salary job temporarily to join their training assembly, because I thought
one should acquire experience in many fields of work for getting matured. My income might
decrease considerably for the time being, but I might benefit from learning abundant
knowledge not obtainable elsewhere. We gathered for training at a hostel in the
Rehabilitation Center for Deaf Children where we had to stay instead of going home
everyday. I played my folk composite drum line as usual. After the extensive training for
more than a month, the performance was given on Christmas Eve, 2002. The first
performance was held in the Century Theater. The work performed was the ANCIENT CHARMS
WITH GOOD LUCK, a noted ancient music piece played by an orchestra composing of a set of
bells and traditional Chinese musical instruments. The music presented lyrical tastes in
hearing. Maybe the attended audience might never know all the names of the sixty
performers and Chen Yan as one of them, but the grand music had represented the sincere
wishes of the sixty performers and the spirit of the handicapped people of China!
In Hospital
A New Year started with the arrival of 2003. I was
preparing for the recovery of loss in time. Yet reality did not always happen in
accordance with your wishes. I suddenly felt a stomachache.
It did not draw my attention at first. But the ache became more and
more serious. I took some analgesic tablets and continued on my work with the
consideration of the approach of Spring Festival and the pending of the annual report to
the company. Besides there I was facing the preparation of a plan on the work to be done
in the coming year. In all, the end of year was the busiest period. In addition I had an
appointment made for tuning a piano in Tianjin on Thursday. This would be our first
business journey to Tianjin. As the business manager, I could not miss this essential
opportunity to let people in Tianjin to know the tuning service provided by blind people.
I was preparing to leave in the morning. Lili was quite worried about my travel. But I had
habits in refusing the breaking of appointments. The analgesic tablets I had taken could
only last six hours. After that time they lost their effects and my stomachache became
more painful than what I could withstand. I was afraid of my illness being discovered by
our customers, so I had to take another tablet in a hurry. I was totally exhausted when I
arrived home in the evening. Lili urged me to go and see the doctor. On Friday I took a
leisure to go to Beijing Hospital. The doctor made necessary examination for me. But he
told me to come for hospitalization the next Monday and gave me the registration sheet for
the admission of hospitalization. I was frightened a bit and asked for the reason in
haste, "What is wrong with me?" The doctor said, "You have got a tumor in
your abdomen and an operation is required for a determination of its nature as
benign or malignant." I took the admission sheet and felt quite upset while arriving
at my office. All my colleagues advised me to go home for a rest. But there was a meeting
I would sponsor in the afternoon. It was related with the future development of our
company, so I had to attend it. I took more tablets against my aching for the time being.
But when the effect of the tablets taken was over I fell into unendurable pain. It was six
o'clock p.m. by the end of the meeting. We all went to have supper together. As a habit I
had to arrange the seating for others before going to get our food. But this time a
younger schoolmate said, "Don't care for others today. Let's take care of
you." It was the first time to taste being served by other people after I had grown
up in my life. When I was studying at school, Grandma had told me to take more care
of others. After I had started working, whenever there were others going out
with me, I had been helping them in buying the food. I had taken charge in finding
customers. When I went out playing together with Lili, I had always led the way. It was
the first time to taste being served by other ones.
On Monday afternoon, I moved into the sickbay. Lili
made a phone call to his family to inform my condition. His second elder sister postponed
her marriage and came over to take care of me. But the other ones did not agree with her
postponement. She had missed the right age to make boyfriend while earning money to
support Lili's study. She said she would sacrifice marrying. It was until she had
acquainted with the fiance as to be Lili's brother-in-law and kept their relations for
several years that she decided to get married on January 18. All of us had been discussing
how to congratulate her. Since I started staying in the hospital on 13 and lost the
possibility in attending her wedding ceremony, I could only kept my regrets. That sister
had helped Lili in bringing him up with all her toils while both Lili and me were failed
to attend her wedding ceremony. Later Yaqin did not attend the ceremony too when she was
taking care of me. After our discussion, we decided to have Yaqin to stay with me. She had
a barbershop at her home. It was the busiest time for business just before the traditional
Chinese New Year. But she had the shop shut for taking care of me. She said, "Money
could be earned through working. I can reopen the shop later on. At present you are in
need of care!" However she had a child at the age of eight. She had never left him
out of her care. Besides he was taking his semester examination. As for the relations in
Guo's family Yaqin has to take me as her elder sister-in-law since we are legitimate
sisters to one another. There are fewer ones like her to ignore the loss in money
and leave off the care for her own child for my sake. Her child phoned her everyday in
crying and begging her to go home. Yaqin had to assure him in saying, "I will return
home as soon as your aunt recovers." My heart was aching every time I thought of
these. I lost my family members after Grandma's passing. But I won Lili's family members
to be my dear ones.
I recalled that Yaqin used to wear my hair into
small pigtails bounded with colored rubber bands like hairpins. So I asked her to comb my
hair that way. But she said, "Then you would look like a kid. How could you meet
people in that way?" I said it didn't matter. As long as I stayed in the hospital, I
would not have to look like a grown-up one as I would not see customers. I had not been
enjoying any leisure ever since I graduated. I had been busy at work all the time in
search of a path opened for blind people to contribute their service in piano tuning. I
had been struggling continuously for ten odd years. Now I had a chance to take a rest
finally. I did not worry over the benignity or malignancy of the tumor in my abdomen. Let
it go by itself. I will face all difficulties with strong will!
The doctor started his examination and I was
forbidden to take analgesic. Before dawning came on the next day I was awoken by serious
ache. At first I had been tolerating the pain. But later I could not endure any more and
started crying. Yaqin called in the doctors. They conducted exsanguination for examination
and transfusion to inhibit my pain. I could not rest in the normal way. My eye sockets
were blackened and my weight dropped over five kilograms or more. An operation was fixed
at Thursday afternoon. By that time I could not think of anything else. I was not
determined what to do. Five days later the size of the tumor displayed by an
ultrasonography B examination had multiplied to more than 6 cm from more than 4 cm on
Friday. Even the doctors were surprised by its fast rate of growth.
I seemed to have noticed something
from the facial expressions of the people around me. I had never thought of a possible
quick death. If I really had died, what could Lili do? We had just bought a house. Right
after our purchase, I would have a dream about of my death time after time with the fear
that it would not enough to pay for debt clearing on Lili's income alone and the house
might be confiscated. Lili was left with no house to live in. I was worrying about whether
it could really happen that way? If the tumor in my abdomen was really malignant, what
could I do? I was not afraid of death. A death for me would to some extent meant the
emancipation. I felt I was living in tiredness that was usual for blind people. I had not
succeeded in seeing this world more clearly yet. But for my living I was been exhorting
much more efforts than healthy people. Sometimes I felt heaven was injustice to me. Why
should I meet with so many difficulties while I had my sight already lost? Why should I
encounter such impacts when we had just seen some hopes of living? I had never thought of
how Lili should be living without me. I prayed for getting some kindness bestowed by
heaven. I was only at the age of thirty and still had a long way to go. It might be more
difficult for me than healthy people to realize my hopes for living all my life with Lili.
But in case there were any possibility I would live on with utmost bravery.
Some of my previous volunteers came
to see me. They brought me food in turn. Lili came after his office hours each day and
stayed until late hours in the evening. I knew how heavy was the pressure added to his
mind. I knew how much he cared for me. Things might not take place in accordance to our
wishes. I could only advise him to take things easier. He was much worried when the
anesthetist got to know of my hypersensitive asthma. He came to see me several times
everyday. The anesthetist said it was very dangerous for sufferers of asthma to undertake
a general anesthesia, because respiration might be inhibited under the state of general
anesthesia. Thus respiration failure might be induced and result in life's danger. Lili
and I were all aware of the dangers hidden behind this operation.
On the day of operation, all of my volunteers came
over. Lili was the earliest and came at 6 in the morning. My teacher Mr. Li and
schoolmates came too. Ms Wang Nan as the assistant to our company sent by the Disabled
Persons' Federation also came. She had long been anxious in helping us. All members of
Lili's family being able to come had come. Lili was holding my hand. I knew he was
worrying for me. But I could not do anything better except to await the settlement from
heaven. I had already given up analgesic tablets in accordance with the doctor's advice
for the preparation of the operation. I had already fainted at aching. I sang to Lili in
low voice the song "Don't cry, my dearest one. Maybe I would never awake again. In
the most beautiful night sky, My eye would twinkle like star ashine. Remember my proud
words - the world where I have been. Please don't tell me what mature is. I had gone
at the moment that starts."
I knew all operations had dangers. I was afraid of
losing my chance in awakening. But what I feared most was the agonies that might be
suffered by those who loved me. My Lili might suffer even more terribly. I was lying on
the carriage and pushed by the nurse into the operating room under the staring of others.
At the last moment I gave my friends a smile and told them not to worry. I will recover. I
was aching beyond my limit of endurance and I could not have any attention to see around.
The nurse started to fix me on the operating table. The anesthetist told me to breathe. I
knew he was giving me the anesthesia dose. So I breathed in some air and fell unconscious
thereafter.
After an unknown period of time, I gradually started
to hear familiar sounds. I opened my eyes slowly and saw many others were staring at me.
The time was 4 p.m. I felt pains I had never suffered before. There were tubes inserted
all around my body. A monitor was ticking on the cabin at the head of my bed. My throat
was aching like fire and I had sputum. I tried to cough it out. But a slight
strength induced a heartbroken pain on the cut. Then I discovered there were sandbags on
my abdomen. Everyone was happy to see my awakening. With tears in his eyes Lili said,
"Mimi, you have awaken at last. You really got me scared to death." Seeing
Lili's expressions, I felt like crying. But I knew if I cry tears might have choke my
throat which would result in suffocation and even might result in a danger to my life. I
wanted to divert their attention. So I stopped looking at Lili and turned my face to look
at my teacher Mr. Li. I found he was also wiping his tears. I noticed all our friends were
in a sad mood. I wondered why and said in a low voice just distinguishable, "I have
got sputum in my throat that hindered respiration." Only a few people were left in
the room. I had nothing to say but felt aching all over. Lili pressed the call button and
a doctor came in. But he warned us from using sputum sucker since I just had tubes
inserted in my throat that he was afraid of stimulation being induced. There was nothing I
could do but enduring. Friends around went away with worries relieved after seeing me
awakening. Lili sad, "Mimi! Be strong. The tumor in your abdomen is benign. You will
recover very soon." He held me in saying, "My heart was in suspension ever since
you were pushed into the operating room. After half an hour or so, a nurse came out to get
my signing on a sheet. She said you had met with appearance of asthma complication and was
once in the state of suffocation. I knew the consequences of the signature. I knew I might
lose you forever. Since I was a doctor I knew I had to do the signing to cooperate in the
rescue. I called in Yaqin to do the signature. She did not know the reason for doing the
signature. Or else she might not have the guts to do it. At that moment my mind was in
complete emptiness. I could not accept the reality. Since I had also studied medical
science. I knew how dangerous it was for you. I thought of informing your parents, but I
had not obtained your approval. I knew in case you had died, your parents will get me
involved in endless troubles. However I also realize if you really had died. What else
could there be for me to feel unbearable? It seemed to me time had halted in passing. I
did not remember how long I was tolerating. Finally I saw you were being pushed out and
right at that minute I seemed to have been given a most precious gift from heaven. You
screamed at your stomachache when you were placed on your bed. I called in the doctor
three times. But he said your aching was left over memory instead of the actual pain which
would not have to mind about. But you were screaming without end and intended to leap down
from a high off window. In addition you were saying curse words. Another patient Miss Wu
in the same room with you told me to leave you alone. Your anesthetic dose was still in
effect. But you scolded me in saying, "You don't understand at all! I am aching to
wish I were dead." I approached the doctor again and he prescribed an injection of
dolantin for you. Right after the nurse made the injection, you started to vomit.
Thereafter you fell asleep." I did not know any one of those happenings told by Lili.
I was feeling very painful. The transfusion treatment was continuously allowing the liquid
to drip into my body. It was later than 7 in the evening when I suddenly felt
like a halting in my respiration. I lost consciousness completely. I came to see several
doctors were busy around me. When they discovered I had awaked they said I had been out of
danger. I was wearing an oxygen mask, so I could not speak. Lili said, "Mimi! Hope
you can recover soon. You had just suffered another suffocation. You cardiograph display
had once been a straight line together with a loss of respiration. Several doctors
including those in the respiration department all came to your rescue. They had your
relatives to leave your room. I was really afraid of leaving your room in an eternal
parting and lose the sight of a Mimi alive." I felt very painful. My throat was also
sore together with a headache. I felt especially painful with those tube inserted in my
body. I wanted to turn over my body. But that could merely remain as a wish. Since I could
not have the least strength in doing it. I said to Yaqin in my barely distinguishable
voice, "I want a change in my posture of lying. Yaqin told me not to move after
discovering my injuries were still bleeding and blood had soaked the bandages. At that
moment I felt a pain I had never had experienced in the past. It was like having my
respiration immediately halted. But I kept my utmost calmness in mind. For Lili and all
those who loved me I must stand it. In the three days I past over the critical period and
started to be able to leave my bed for walking slowly on the floor. But I still had to
depend on Yaqin who held me in her arms to get off my bed. Her weight was 20
kilograms lower than mine was. Holding me down from the bed had been quite a job for her.
I had been gaining weight while Yaqin had been losing her weight day by day.
Ireland
Finally I was discharged from the hospital before
the Spring Festival. I returned to the home that was so familiar to me. When I entered the
room I found several cats lying on my bed. Lili said they were also awaiting you. I was
back at home with my inability in taking care of myself with daily life. I had to get
someone to hold me in arms in helping me to get up from my bed.  I urged Yaqin to go home to attend
to her child. After having the matter discussed it was decided to invite Lili's eldest
sister to come and take care of me. Then Yaqin returned home with no more worries left in
mind. The eldest sister had just started to take her vacation. She hardly had any vacation
on the whole in a year around. With a great expectation she had got a vacation when she
had to take care of me as well as to get ready for the Spring Festival. I had
a continuous high fever within two days after she came. Then I had to go for taking
transfusion. Lili said we could not go back home during Spring Festival this year. But I
disagreed with him and expressed my desire to go home at Miyun for the festival. Moreover
it was the first Spring Festival after his second elder sister's marriage. We had
failed to attend her wedding ceremony so we should go there for a reunion. Lili finally
accepted my suggestion and promised to get a car to take me there for one day on the
second day of the new year.
On the Spring Festival Eve, I asked the eldest
sister to go home for the new year's day. That night there were only Lili and I at our own
home. Lili tried his best to make me happy. It was the second time we had to spend our
Spring Festival alone at home. I said to Lili, "We must go to your home for Spring
Festival next year. We went to Lili's home the next day to enjoy the reunion. Although
Lili tried all means to protect me, I caught a serious cold when we came back and ran a
sustainable high fever. Transfusion had to be given to me again. Just when I was still
sick, Lili received a notice from the leading circle of his hospital to go and work in
Ireland from March for six months. Without any consideration Lili replied, "We've
been running into difficulties for my family." But the leading personnel said,
"We know you are meeting with difficulties, but as the deputy director of the First
Massage Department and a cadre on the middle level, you are the best choice in
personnel for the task." Lili came back to consult it with me. It gave me a shock to
hear the news. I had never met any occasion of departure with him ever since our marriage.
Besides my health is under a poor condition. What can I do when he is away? But this was a
precious opportunity for him that I did not want to be any hindrance. After all he had his
own career. So I said, "You can go on your mission. I can manage to take care of
myself." My tears were running while I said those words. I started to make
preparations for his journey. But when I thought of the six months of departure with Lili
to be endured, I kept on with tears dropping. I was afraid of living alone, because when I
had opened the hotline for piano service, even a long talk could induce a chronic
pharyngitis and result in a fever. A continuation in fever would in turn induce the attack
of asthma. Then a transfusion must be given to clear the fever. Once the asthma sets on;
my life might even be endangered. I knew Lili would be worrying over my health. But for
the sake of his career, I must overcome all difficulties.
The date for going abroad was fixed at the noon of
March 10. I could not fell asleep in the night before 10. I was keeping hold of
Lili's hand since I was afraid. I thought of how frightful it might be in my sleep the
next night. I got up early to take the bus to the massage hospital. Lili's to brothers
also came to see him off. We were preparing to go to the airport. It was snowing heavily
outside. The snow was so heavy that even I could see those large flakes. It had
been a long time for us to haven't seen such a heavy snowing. I thought it was also came
to see Lili on his departure besides wishing a safe journey for him. Snowflakes mixed with
tears were dropping from my eyes. I tried with utmost effort not to cry out. But Lili
might be feeling even sadder than I was. The moment for boarding the airplane came while
we loathed the parting. He walked toward the entrance for boarding the plane. While I saw
the hazy view of his back gradually disappearing among the passengers with tears dropping
continuously from my eyes. I knew Lili was away with both his love and abundant worries
for me in his pursuit of career. Lili, you can rest without any bother for me. I will have
myself well protected and wait for you to come back!
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