I began to have a fever that night. I took some medicine but still had a fever of 39.2 ℃. At the hospital, the doctor prescribed a transfusion for me. But in the three following days, my temperature still failed to drop. The doctor changed the prescription for me and I continued the transfusion. Yet still it did not show any signs of recovery. I was feeling sick for all the time. My younger aunt called me on the phone which Lili answered. He told my aunt about my fever and I asked her not to mention it to Grandma in order to keep her from being anxious. They continued their talk for a few more minutes before hanging up. Then I discovered Lili's attitude was a little abnormal but I paid little attention. Because I thought Grandma might be worrying for my illness. After the  transfusion for a week my fever still could not drop while the count of while blood cells was reduced to 2,000 and more. Lili moved me to another hospital where the diagnosis result showed that my suffering was induced by viral cold and another three day transfusion had my fever decreased. Up to that time I had already been sick for ten odd days and felt very weak

    Seeing my fever was over, Lili said to me, "I tell you something but you shouldn't get worried. Grandma had been sent to stay in a ward at a hospital" I instantly felt like being hit on the head. I asked, "When did that happen? Why   haven't you  told me earlier?" Lili said, "Younger aunt said you had a fever. So she told me not to mention it to you. But I have tried my best to get your early recovery." I got worried upon hearing his words and said, "Let's go to see Grandma right now." Then we hired a taxi and rushed to the respiratory ward where Grandma was. There we saw Grandma sitting on her bed. I plunged into her arms and asked where did she feel painful. Grandma said, "I am suffering from my old troubles again. I felt difficult in breathing." I knew Grandma had been suffering from pneumocardial disease ever since my childhood. The next day we contacted her attending doctor and asked about her sickness. The doctor said her illness was serious. Her X-ray photo showed the signs of suspected tumor. Her hypercardiotrophy had already reached the fourth class. It was suspected to be a late cancer case. At that moment I could not hear of anything else. My mind became empty and deprived of all things. Was grandma leaving us in such a manner? But she was only at the age of seventy-seven! I was entirely unprepared to accept such cruel reality. How I wished it had been a mistaken diagnosis on the doctor's side!

    But very soon the hospital issued the notice of terminal illness. I nearly fell into a spiritual collapse. I went to asked for a long leave at my company and travel daily from the southern suburb to attend Grandma at hospital in the northern district proper. How I wished to see the appearance of a medical miracle in getting Grandma healed! Yet Grandma was seen thinner and thinner day by day. Later Grandma could no longer lie flat on bed but maintain her life only upon  the transfusion. In those days I had been attending Grandma all the time except in my sleeping hours. As time elapsed, I also started to lose my ability in endurance. My asthma often set in to trouble me. I fell in a faint sometimes. Lili started to give me medicine, since he was afraid that I might not be able to withstand my burden.

The Memorable Date

    Grandma could not speak much to me because of her difficulty in breathing. Occasionally she kept watching me. But she seemed much better today and held my hand while kept speaking to me without halting. She said, "I had most worried about you. I always thought since I had brought you home. Then I should take up the responsibility of bringing you up. I had been thinking of  many ways for you. I knew I could not be with you through all your life. So I wanted you to develop your ability to live on your own. Did you remember in your childhood, I had you to wait for me at a park? I told you I was going for shopping. But actually I was following after you. Later when you went to find a school to study at, and during your visit to the China Disabled Persons' Federation and Office of Primary Education, I was also following you. Then after you had started your study at school, you had seen many parents sending and receiving your schoolmates while only you alone had to go to school and return all on your own. But actually I had also been following you. I kept on following you up to your graduation. I had my mind in rest only after I had seen you started to go on your own! After you had grown up I had worried over your marriage. I had always been afraid of you making mistakes in selecting a life companion and suffer agony in your whole life. But nobody could make you change your mind once you had made your decision. You stole our residence booklet for your marriage registration and made me very angry. I thought I had experienced all kind of difficulties in bringing you up. Yet you did not listen to me. Only after thinking over several times, I came to realize I intended to train you to become a child with strong personality. I was worrying over your lack of confidence in the future that might result in your failure in adjusting yourself to the social environment. Finally I discovered that besides me, Lili was also treating you with love in this world. Although you had experienced a great deal of suffering along with him, the love between the  your couple had been deep and sincere. As the saying goes that money is earned by man while sincere affection could hardly bought with money. Soon after I came to believe your choice was correct. You neglected those wealthy students chasing after you and made your choice on Lili. Ever since your childhood I had been guiding you to be a frank and honest girl. And you have achieved that goal. Seeing the successes in your family life and career I became to enjoy a real rest in my mind. I believe Lili will be nice to you in his whole life. The only remained worry is the unachieved object of having a house of your own. Perform your duties well and buy a house as soon as possible. I had retired early in order to take care of you, so I could not save much money. The small amount of money I saved will all be left to you. Though the amount is far less than enough for a house buying, it could just be a small regard for you from Grandma. It might be my last effort in helping you.

    I had cried with a rain of tears while listening to Grandma's words. Quite a long time ago I had heard the saying, 'The relax of a severe patient's worry means a rapid passing away.' So I knew the arrival of Grandma's rest for me indicated she was on her life's last journey. I even felt regret indeed, why I had given her  rest in mind, why I had been doing everything so well in my work. Now I even wished that Grandma still worried for me so as to make her life extended. But Grandma said, "Mimi! Now there is nothing left for you to do. You can go back home to rest. If you get sick because of being overtired, you would not be able to come and see me." I was really overtired beyond the limits of my endurance. I was afraid that Grandma could see my faint and get worried. So I said to her, "I will come to see you tomorrow, Grandma!" Then I left the hospital with Lili. I felt my heart was like being pierced by a needle while I was  on a taxi. Slowly I became unconscious. I was lying in a nearby hospital when I awoke. Lili told me I fainted when we came near our home. So he sent me to that hospital. Then I found a needle inserted on my hand when I was taking a transfusion. I had no food to eat for several days. I would think of Grandma whenever I had something to eat. I said if I got sick Grandma would not care to take any food. I could not eat whenever I thought that way. I suddenly struck upon some unhappy feeling and said, "Lili, let us go to see Grandma." "Haven't we just come back from Grandma? Can we go tomorrow?" asked Lili. But I said, "No! I must go right away." Lili said nothing but went to get the nurse attending me. The nurse said, "You have just been half through your transfusion. Would you want the needle pulled out?" Lili nodded and we hired a taxi to Grandma's hospital. There I found several doctors in the ward doing emergency treatment to rescue Grandma. My tears dropped like beads on a broken thread. I was praying for Grandam in hoping for some miracles to appear. Grandma resumed her respiration and pulses after a few minutes. She could lie flat on the bed again. But the doctors said she was already a vegetable as a human being. I understood what that meant. I slowly and tenderly washed her face and body. I suddenly felt that her face were smooth without wrinkles. She was already very thin and almost lost her original looks.

    I had my sense of thinking nearly all lost and all my behaviours were achieved mechanically. Grandma's cardiogram showed abnormality. Her respiration was also abnormal. Doctors came and continued their utmost effort in rescuing. But the monitoring cardiograph gradually became a flat line. Grandma had been   spending her 23 days on the sickbed of the hospital. At 11:32 p.m. on her last day of January 13th, 2002, my dearest Grandma left us.

    I got home with Lili at 2:00 a.m. with my tears still dropping. Dawn came without my notice. I remembered Grandma had often told me that she wanted to be buried at her homeland. Now it was already the second day after her passing away. In accordance to the customs a cremation should be carried out the next day. But I wanted to send Grandma to her home village right that day. There was an old saying of "Earthing makes rest in peace". There were many things to be done. I must go to Grandma's home right away.

    I walked out of the building and saw the sun had risen as usual. But I had lost my Grandma. Last night I might have thought the sun could rise no more and eternal darkness would come. I bought two bundles of flower for placing before Grandma's picture, since I knew Grandma loved flowers. Our relatives came incessantly. On the third day we went to the hospital to pay our last respect and extend our farewell to Grandma. Grandma lay quietly among the flowers. She had never slept so quietly before. In my memory, Grandma had been tied up with endless toils. Now she finally could rest in peace. She looked so sedate. She looked as was saying to me,"Mimi, do not cry. I was afraid that  your crying might spoil your eyes, so I kept holding you in my arms. Now I am still afraid of your eyes being spoiled by crying!" I knew that Grandma was most afraid of my crying. She was most afraid of my eyes getting spoiled. Lili helped me to wipe out my tears while say, "Mimi! I could understand you have lost your dearest one. I will replace Grandma to love you dearly. I am grateful to Grandma for her kindness in leaving you to the care of mine. I will endeavor to be the one loving you most!" I took my last glance at Grandma. She had left us forever. On that same day I sent Grandma's ashes to her native town of Rongcheng in Hebei Province. The burial spot was a place with trees and pasture surrounding that was in accordance to Grandma's personal choice. Over many tens of years ago Grandma left this place to dwell in Beijing. And tens of years had passed when she returned. Fallen leaves had returned to their roots. Grandma, I would have to leave here and I would come to see you every year on the Pure Brightness Festival when we come for "sweeping the graves". I would come with the flowers you liked most. I will live a life of exerting myself to allow you better at rest.

After Grandma's Death

    Grandma's leaving struck me too heavy a blow. My health had not been good all the time that I couldn't go to work. For quite a long time I could not eat dumplings. Because when ever I ate that kind of food I could not help thinking of Grandma and kept on weeping. Then my teacher Mr Li told me, "I think the chance had come for a nationwide spread of piano tuning by blind people this year. A Piano School at Baotou City in the Inner Mongolia Region has invited us to tune 50 piano for them." It should have been my work as the business manager, but I could not take any travel on account of my poor health. As company manager our teacher Mr Li who was in charge of teaching had just finished the semester examination and was hoping for an easy rest during the winter vacation. But since I was not able to take the travel, he had to go for the business. All of us made estimations on the date for coming back, since Mr Li was going to have his 50th birthday celebrated on the second of February and the students had talked over to gather for the celebration. The team saw those 50 long out of tuned pianos after arriving at Baotou. Mr Li demanded good quality work be done. He wanted all the data from tuned pianos to be precisely guaranteed. The team could only sleep five hours a day. They even had no time left for their daily washing. Even at such work intensity, they failed to return before the second day of February. So Mr Li's birthday had to be celebrated in Baotou City. I sent my congratulation to his birthday on a phone call to Mr Li. In addition, I made a phone call to his wife Ms Fang. Because I was afraid she might be lonesome when Mr Li was away. I was sorry for troubling Mr Li to take up my work and miss his birthday at home. I felt grateful to my teacher.

    When the Spring Festival was getting near; I received a phone call from my mother out of my expectation. She said she wanted to see me. I got surprised. Since she had never shown any initiative in seeing me before. She said she wanted to talk with me. I answered her after making some consideration and made the appointment of meeting her at the Mac Donald's on Wangfujing Avenue. I almost did not sleep in the night before the appointment thinking of what might be talked about with her. But I knew she was trying to do something mending up in our relations. After thoroughly thinking over I decided to speak frankly. When we met the next day mother said, "Please take us as your kinsfolk after your grandma's passing. I was compelled to let Grandma take you in your childhood. You are my child. How could I stop thinking of you? We can help you when you meet with difficulties in the future. After all you do not have a house of your own yet. When you try to buy a house we could do our best to help you. You should also have closer relationship with your sister. Your sister might help you after our passing. After all, you and Lili could not see."

    She was talking on and on. But I was thinking of telling her what was in my mind. After so many years of separation, did she know what I had been thinking about? I should let her know all about that.

    I said, "Ever since I became sensible, I did not have any idea about my parents. I have heard that the first word spoken by a child should be Mama. But my first word was Laolao for grandma. I have not enjoyed any parental love after I became sensible. Especially in the two years I spent at home, you had left unforgettable life injuries in my mind and made me to understand what was hatred. I remember when I first stayed at home, I often thought of Grandma. At that time I was most in need of parental love. But what did I get from you? When my sister had eggs to eat in the morning, I had to stay watching her. You said sister was going to school, so she needed nourishment. I could not go to school, so I could only hope to barely maintain my life. Every time apples were distributed among us. Sister always got the bigger ones. On opportunities of going out to play, you had always took sister with you. You had never taken me along. You were afraid of other people knowing my blindness and bringing   you shame. But had you ever thought of how I was thinking? In Grandma's  mind I was her darling. But in your mind I was but a trouble. When I fell off from heaven to hell, had you got to know how painful I felt? May be if you had not treated me as you had done, I might not become so strong today to win my successes. I should thank you for that, but I could not forget any one of the hurting words you had said to me. To talk about parental love today may be seemed already too late. Since in my memory, there had long been missing in the impression of beloved parents. Maybe you thought I am conscienceless. But I am telling you without any cheating. I am really thinking this way. Where were you when a child was in urgent need of parental love? I only had Grandma in company with me. When I was sick and needed your love, where were you then? When I was studying at school and seeing other children having parents to see them every Wednesday, where were you then? I was afraid of Grandma getting too tired, so I asked her not to come and see me. I tried to hide myself whenever I saw the parents of my schoolmates coming. Did you know how agonizing I was at those times? When I was compelled to rent a room for living, did you think of coming to see me? When all the parents of my classmates had come for the attendance at parent's meeting, where were you at that time? Every time I sponsored the class meeting on topic discussions when all parents of my classmates had come for attendance, how I hoped to see my parents listening among the audience to my sponsored program! I remembered during the topic class meeting of grade three, I sang the song of "Mother is most kind to me in this world". At last I finished my singing in tears. That song I sang succeeded in moving many parents. But have you heard it? Although Grandma loved me whole-heartedly, her love could not replace the parental love that I most in need of. In my childhood, many times I had suspected I might not have been your own child. Instead, I might have been a child you picked up somewhere. I had been very much in need of parental love. But as time elapsed with my growing up, I have lost the hope for it. When I was in need of a house for stable residence instead of moving now and then,   Grandma found an advertisement on a newspaper for two-room house at 30,000 yuan. She sent me to see. If it were feasible, she could borrow some money for buying the house for me. But we went to find the amount listed was only the amount for preliminary payment. The total price asked for a further payment of 50,000 yuan to be made. That was beyond Grandma's ability. Of course you had the full ability of helping me. But we did not mention it to you. Because it was as fantastic as the Arabian Nights in my mind. Since I still clearly remembered in my childhood you had warned younger sister not to play with me. Because you told her I was a disabled person and I was full of unnecessary misgivings, so you were afraid of my cheating younger sister. So many of your words had left their deep hurting impressions in my mind. Even if I accept your help to buy a house against my will, it would not represent my real character. Grandma had taught me in my childhood to be an honest person, be strong and self-reliance. You can forget about your intention of wining reconciliation. At the moment of Grandma's passing I had realized in my mind I had lost all my blood related family members. The only one dearest to me is Lili you despised.

    I talked so much and finished without a single drop of tears fallen. Mother could only said, "I did not know you could remember clearly so many things. I hope you can think of some good points about me."